Welcome to Glass Slipper! The Astros can’t win the World Series this year, and that’s a reason to celebrate; please enjoy the show.

- Jacob Rhee

Let’s separate the Eastern Conference into tiers, and project each team’s record.

Tier 5: The Tankers

15. Washington (21-61)

14. Charlotte (22-60)

13. Brooklyn (24-58)

12. Detroit (25-57)

Washington and Charlotte are trapped in the rebuilding phase, and there’s no clear way out. I believe in both Bilal Coulibaly and Alex Sarr, but neither will ever be a No. 1 on a championship team. LaMelo Ball is an electric franchise cornerstone, and he also never plays basketball.

Cam Thomas might chuck 40 shots a night this season, and I hope to witness as few of them as possible. That dude epitomizes everything I dislike in a player, and the positive discourse surrounding him is proof of how many NBA fans value the wrong things. A low-efficiency ball hog with zero interest in guarding anyone? You guys… like that? Couldn’t be me.

Detroit is still a mess, despite its respectable collection of young talent. Tobias Harris, Tim Hardaway Jr., and Malik Beasley are supposedly here to bring a veteran presence, but they’re only going to steal minutes and stunt development.

Dysfunction should honestly be the Pistons’ goal this year; if you haven’t heard, there’s a certain young man at Duke coming down the pike.

Tier 4: Wait, 10 Teams Make It?

11. Chicago (32-50)

10. Toronto (36-46)

9. Atlanta (37-45)

Two of these three squads have to qualify for the postseason, which is pretty dumb. Raptors center Jakob Poeltl literally admitted at media day that his team has no intentions of competing, and I have Toronto getting a play-in spot anyway. The only thing I actually want to see from this tier is a healthy Lonzo Ball. He’s been through a lot, and the guy deserves a chance to go contribute.

Tier 3: False Hope

8. Orlando (42-40)

7. Miami (43-39)

6. Cleveland (48-34)

The Magic could go 82-0 and sweep their way to a title, and I’d probably still try to convince you that they’re fake. I’m not a hater, but I do consider it a prerequisite to pass my eye test. Almost everyone on the roster outside of Jalen Suggs fails it.

Maybe Kentavious Caldwell-Pope’s spacing unlocks things, but I’ll wait and see on that.

Meanwhile, the Heat and the Cavs are each just running back a crew that we all know isn’t good enough. Perhaps Jarrett Allen gets flipped for a wing, and Miami might make a deadline splash. As currently constructed, these are clear first-round exit squads.

Tier 2: The Alternates

5. Milwaukee (50-32)

4. Philadelphia (51-31)

3. Indiana (51-31)

We’ve reached the contender realm. It’s amazing how many folks have forgotten that Giannis Antetokounmpo is - at worst - the second-best basketball player on the planet when healthy. He needs a vintage campaign out of Damian Lillard, however, and I’m not sure that’s happening anymore.

If we’re building crunch-time fives, the Sixers are one player short. Tyrese Maxey, Paul George, Caleb Martin, Joel Embiid, and… who else? Kelly Oubre Jr., and his 44-31-75 shooting splits from last year? Jared McCain, who was born in 2004? Go ahead and tell me that it’s Eric Gordon, I dare you.

You guys know I’m higher than most on Indiana. If a group overachieves in the regular season, overachieves in the In-Season Tournament, and overachieves in the playoffs… at a certain point, it’s not overachieving. That’s just a team that’s better than you think.

Tier 1: Big Dogs

2. Boston (55-27)

1. New York (57-25)

The Celtics are clear favorites in Vegas to come out of the East again, and they deserve to be. I’m worried about the chemistry, though. Jayson Tatum has been an easy target for memes this summer; he was shaky at best in the postseason, couldn’t get on the floor during the Olympics, and gave us some rather cringeworthy antics.

Meanwhile, Jaylen Brown was honestly just really annoying with his Grant Hill beef. Your teammate got invited to Paris, and you thought the mature thing to do was to hop on Twitter and whine about how it should’ve been you? Seriously?

Both Tatum and Brown will be on a solo mission to quiet critics this year, which I can absolutely envision leading to some unspoken friction between the two.

My confidence in the Knicks shouldn’t be a surprise to longtime readers. I have always stated that Mitchell Robinson’s inability to close games was New York’s main concern. Karl-Anthony Towns is here now; he commits stupid fouls too, but the 28-year-old can at least be trusted to hit a free throw down the stretch. Many are concerned about Towns operating as the primary rim protector, and how that might limit the Knicks’ ceiling. Squads with multiple elite perimeter defenders can survive without a great shot blocker. Denver won a title with Nikola Jokic at the five, because Kentavious Caldwell-Pope and Aaron Gordon were shutting dudes down. Mikal Bridges and OG Anunoby should prevent KAT from being under attack too often. When action does come his way, longtime defensive wizard Tom Thibodeau will have him ready to compete.

The road to the Finals will run through New York this year. It might be the loudest we’ve ever heard Madison Square Garden.

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“Love Me Like You Mean It” by Kelsea Ballerini. Summer of 2019.