Welcome to Glass Slipper! The Cavs are 26-4. Happy holidays; please enjoy the show.

- Jacob Rhee

Here are my 10 biggest takeaways from Week 16 of the NFL season.

1. Stop this charade.

We don’t need to act like the Chargers are contenders, folks. Let’s save our energy for something more productive. LA has beaten one team with at least nine wins, and it’s the baby Broncos. This is a first-round exit squad.

2. A lose-lose situation.

Let’s say that a miracle occurs, and my heavily-flawed Bengals weasel their way into the playoffs. The front office will probably ignore all of the infrastructural problems that plagued the squad, and run this thing back in 2025. If Cincinnati drops these last two, insufferable discourse surrounding Zac Taylor’s job security will dominate the offseason. There is no way out.

3. Drew Lock’s next chapter.

I think it’s the Canadian Football League. This man does not deserve to be on our televisions. Two pick-sixes in less than nine minutes of game time? Hey, at least that performance helped the Giants secure the top spot in the draft.

Shedeur Sanders, there’s a blue helmet with your name on it.

4. Michael Penix’s debut.

If you didn’t watch it, don’t let the pedestrian stat line lead you astray. The kid was fantastic. Perhaps my favorite part about Penix is his fearlessness in the pocket. He’s not a special athlete, but he has such a great feel for the rush. He’ll calmly stand in there and push the ball downfield, on plays where other quarterbacks would attempt to scuttle away and chuck one into the stands. I think we have a franchise guy on our hands.

5. Elite company.

Here’s the full list of dudes with at least 19 passing touchdowns and under six interceptions this year.

• Lamar Jackson

• Caleb Williams

Look, I’m a certified nerd. I can slice up stats to make any professional athlete look significantly better or worse than they actually are. Yes, I admit that it’s rather misleading to craft a club in which Caleb’s sole compatriot is a two-time MVP; I’m simply attempting to prove to people that Chicago’s young signal-caller is having a really solid rookie campaign.

There are reports that Ben Johnson is tempted by the chance to coach him, and he should be. If Williams reaches his ceiling, the Bears are an NFC powerhouse.

6. We’re very lucky.

Over the next decade, we’ll watch Jalen Hurts and Jayden Daniels go to war 20 times. We should be grateful for that.

7. Striking distance.

Saquon Barkley is 162 rushing yards away from 2,000. He’s 268 away from passing Eric Dickerson for the all-time record. I will be fascinated to see what happens if Philadelphia is locked into the No. 2 seed heading into Week 18. Does Nick Sirianni let Saquon chase those milestones? What if the other starters are resting? Does he trot out there with the backups?

Knowing Barkley’s personality, I think he would probably prioritize his health over the individual numbers. If he walks off the field this Sunday sitting at 1,999, maybe it’s a different decision.

8. The Minnesota conundrum.

Seven teams in NFL history have won at least 15 games in a regular season. Here they are, along with a little blurb on each.

1984 San Francisco 49ers

• Prime Joe Montana. Enough said.

1985 Chicago Bears

• Maybe the most revered squad ever?

1998 Minnesota Vikings

• Randall Cunningham, Robert Smith, Randy Moss, and Cris Carter on the same offense.

2004 Pittsburgh Steelers

• One of the best defenses of my lifetime.

2007 New England Patriots

• The Randy Moss year. The only squad to ever go 16-0. 50 passing touchdowns and a near-unanimous MVP for Tom Brady.

2011 Green Bay Packers

• Aaron Rodgers had arguably the greatest quarterback season of all time.

2015 Carolina Panthers

• Cam Newton’s iconic MVP year, with Luke Kuechly and Josh Norman on the other side of the ball.

The 2024 Vikings have a chance to join the group. If they do, what would my blurb look like? Justin Jefferson, and a supporting cast that was good enough. Squeaked out a bunch of tight ones. Probably the third-best team in their own division. Do you see what I’m getting at?

Every part of me says to doubt these dudes. But how can I? They literally just don’t lose.

I have no choice but to sit in silence here.

9. Baker Mayfield, expert trickster.

He’s not good. Outside of former NBA player Jason Williams, no mediocre athlete has ever fooled the general public quite like Baker. He has a losing record as a starter, makes horrible decisions, and constantly leads his receivers into huge hits. The broadcast then cuts to Mayfield showing passion on the sideline, and all is forgiven somehow. He’s a bust, plain and simple.

10. Time to peek ahead.

A fantastic slate of games begins tomorrow, with Chiefs-Steelers and Ravens-Texans. Cincinnati will try to make that AFC wild-card race interesting when it hosts Denver on Saturday. We get the Packers and Vikings on Sunday, right before a Jayden Daniels vs. Michael Penix clash to finish the evening. Enjoy it.

Pressroom

Spin It

“December 25” by Francesca Battistelli. A hidden gem. Play this one on the living room speaker tomorrow.