Welcome to Glass Slipper! Cal Raleigh, I want 60; please enjoy the show.

- Jacob Rhee

AFC North

1. Ravens (12-5)

2. Bengals (10-7)

3. Steelers (9-8)

4. Browns (3-14)

Lamar Jackson is 70-24 as a starter. 70-24! In other words, my perpetual hopes of a down year in Baltimore are nothing more than a pipe dream. I desperately want to believe in the Al Golden effect, but I’m not willing to give my beloved Bengals anything more than a one-win bump. Go prove it.

There are few greater inevitabilities in professional sports than the Pittsburgh Steelers being slightly above average. Four consecutive years between eight and 10 victories, and the streak feels destined to continue. The Browns gave $230 million guaranteed to a clown in shoulder pads, and are all geared up to chuck another season of Myles Garrett’s prime into the sun. What a mess.

AFC South

1. Texans (11-6)

2. Colts (7-10)

3. Jaguars (6-11)

4. Titans (5-12)

DeMeco Ryans is my favorite coach in the conference, and it’s flat-out infuriating to see Houston folks whine about him. What exactly have you accomplished as a franchise that could have possibly created such entitlement? Prior to that dude’s arrival, the Texans had four playoff wins in their 21-year history. DeMeco is halfway to matching that total after two campaigns. Be patient, and show a little gratitude.

Daniel Jones is not good at this sport. The fact that he’s getting a seventh(!!) opportunity to be the man is truly difficult to fathom. Sadly for Jags folks, I don’t believe Trevor Lawrence is that much better. 22 victories, 38 losses, 46 picks for Mr. Golden Boy? Yikes. Cam Ward certainly won’t be mistake-free, but we’ll walk away encouraged in January. The good moments are enough to keep Brian Callahan around.

AFC East

1. Bills (13-4)

2. Dolphins (8-9)

3. Jets (8-9)

4. Patriots (7-10)

Buffalo takes its sixth consecutive division title, and secures a Round 1 bye for the first time in 32 years. Meanwhile, I could absolutely envision Mike McDaniel crawling back to the Bay in five months, just like Robert Saleh did. His seat is warm, and this isn’t the roster that will rescue his sinking reputation.

Justin Fields, I won’t give up on you. It doesn’t matter how many avatar-less Twitter users giggle at me. My king is about to turn in a rock-solid season; even better, we get weekly adorable photos of him smiling with Garrett Wilson. I genuinely do not understand the throng of people putting New England in the playoffs. That offensive line remains ugly, and I like less than half of the starters on defense. The hype is a year early.

AFC West

1. Chiefs (12-5)

2. Broncos (10-7)

3. Chargers (8-9)

4. Raiders (7-10)

I don’t feel the need to discuss the Chiefs, quite frankly. They employ the face of the league, a world-famous pop star is marrying into the Kingdom, and there are eight standalone contests on the schedule. I suspect that the mighty dynasty will be receiving enough attention.

Football fans everywhere seem to have collectively agreed that we want to watch Bo Nix do it again before fully jumping on the bandwagon. Even in the event of a sophomore slump, Denver is a problem. A defense that gave up just 19 points per game in 2024 is adding Dre Greenlaw, Talanoa Hufanga, and Jahdae Barron? I don’t blame Broncos Country for getting No Fly Zone vibes. Put this unit in striped helmets, and Cincy goes 20-0.

The last time we saw the Chargers, Justin Herbert laid an all-time egg. Jesse Minter’s supposedly-dominant unit was simultaneously giving up 428 total yards to a coordinator that we all knew was sitting on the chopping block. All that’s really happened since is a disastrous injury to the team’s best player. I’m feeling a significant regression. Las Vegas is on its way up after a fantastic draft, but does not pose a serious threat yet. I’ll still tune in each week to watch Ashton Jeanty rumble.

Playoff Seeding:

1. Bills

2. Chiefs

3. Ravens

4. Texans

5. Broncos

6. Bengals

7. Steelers

Wild Card Round

#2 Chiefs OVER #7 Steelers

#3 Ravens OVER #6 Bengals

#4 Texans OVER #5 Broncos

Divisional Round

#1 Bills OVER #4 Texans

#3 Ravens OVER #2 Chiefs

AFC Championship Game

#3 Ravens OVER #1 Bills

After Mark Andrews’ infamous drop in Orchard Park, Baltimore avenges the loss and gets to the big stage. Josh Allen and Sean McDermott slink off with their heads down once again.

Pressroom

Spin It

“Hey Love” by Andre Cruz and Chris Lujan. Enjoy.