Welcome to Glass Slipper! Maybe you shouldn’t throw an 86-mph fastball right down the middle to Shohei Ohtani; please enjoy the show.

- Jacob Rhee

For basketball fans, it’s a tale as old as time. Your favorite team has possession, and is clinging onto a lead with just seconds remaining in the contest. Desperation steal attempts begin; the ball gets poked free, and the opposing side collects it. As that pesky rival point guard is rising to bury the game-winner, you’re already shaking your head at what just unfolded. There has to be a better way. Luckily, I’ve found it.

I have long been fascinated by the end of soccer matches, when the winning team is trying to burn clock. An abundance of different time-wasting tactics exist within the sport, but there is one that puts a smile on my face every time. A player dribbles directly into the corner, and then uses their backside to ward off opposing players. It’s beautiful, it’s brilliant, and I will defend it against every grumpy soccer purist that wants it out of the game.

This got me thinking. Why couldn’t the same strategy be used in basketball? Let’s say San Antonio has a 110-108 lead on Golden State with 20 seconds to play. New Spurs point guard Chris Paul is inbounding the ball in the frontcourt, and he throws it to Victor Wembanyama in the left corner. The Warriors run to trap him, but the Frenchman just turns his back and stands upright with one foot close to each boundary (exactly like the red soccer player above). He palms the ball and extends it out towards the crowd, like he’s posing for a magazine cover. There is literally nothing Golden State can do to access that basketball without fouling. Steph Curry is trying to crawl between Wemby’s legs to get to it. Draymond Green is flailing and stomping in frustration. Gregg Popovich is cackling on the sideline. Ultimately, Jonathan Kuminga has no choice but to wrap Victor in a bear hug and put him at the free-throw line. This thing is over.

Athletes are already getting extremely savvy with this sort of stuff. NBA teams build a lead and then spend the rest of the night dropping the ball on the floor in the backcourt to bleed clock. WNBA players intentionally take as long as possible dusting themselves off after committing fouls, so the staff has more time to consider challenging the call. Nikola Jokic could fill a novel with all of his different tactics. Sure enough, we’re starting to hear the complaints. That’s not fair! This isn’t basketball! I couldn’t disagree more. As you can see, I actually love it so much that I actively spend my days thinking about how to add to the trend.

It’s only a matter of time before a head coach starts implementing my strategy. Sure, it’s far less entertaining than the hectic late-game scramble that sometimes produces moments of magic; Adam Silver is probably sliding down the wall as he’s reading this. That’s perfectly fine. The objective for any team should be to win, not to make sure the TV ratings stay high. Want to keep that lead safe? Just listen to me.

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