Welcome to Glass Slipper! Bruce Thornton. Oh, how I love you so; please enjoy the show.

- Jacob Rhee

Wow. That was an iconic stretch of mayhem. The NFL ruthlessly stole Christmas, and the NBA has responded by hijacking Super Bowl week. An eye for an eye, if you will.

The Luka Doncic and Anthony Davis deal rocked the sports world, and six more former All-Stars switched teams while we were still trying to catch our breath. Now that the dust has settled, it’s time for us to congratulate some folks who emerged from the trade deadline chaos on top.

Winner No. 1: The Los Angeles Lakers

You can go ahead and chuckle at all of the people sharing their I-think-Dallas-actually-won-the-deal takes. After letting my thoughts settle for a while, I feel even stronger in my belief that LA committed grand larceny in that swap.

Credit Rob Pelinka for staying aggressive in the following days, instead of simply settling for some weak Jonas Valanciunas acquisition. He went out and nabbed Mark Williams, a dream pick-and-roll partner for Luka Doncic and LeBron James. The 23-year-old needs to stop fouling so much, but the fit on both ends is seamless.

Lakers now have four locks in their crunch-time lineup. JJ Redick has flexibility with that last spot, depending on the opposing personnel. Against a squad like Dallas, Jarred Vanderbilt would likely be inserted to try and blanket Anthony Davis. If it’s a matchup with Golden State, Dorian Finney-Smith or even Rui Hachimura could finish. I’m really liking the look of this roster.

I picked Los Angeles to win the title before the season. For what it’s worth, I feel better about that prediction than I did last Friday.

Winner No. 2: De’Aaron Fox

Fox stared at himself in the mirror, and didn’t see a guy that can be the first option on a true contender. It’s extremely rare for a star athlete to be that frank and self-aware. He then left the building on somewhat respectful terms, and landed on the squad that he wanted to join all along. It’s about as smooth as a high-profile NBA breakup has gone in quite some time.

He now gets to play alongside a kid with legitimate GOAT potential, and feel the love from one of the smartest fan bases in professional sports. At some point, Victor Wembanyama is going to earn a ring; De’Aaron will be the dude jumping into his arms when the buzzer sounds. That’s a pretty cool moment to look forward to.

Winner No. 3: The Cleveland Cavaliers

Koby Altman’s tenure as the GM of the Cavs got off to a horrendous start. He sent Kyrie Irving to our biggest conference rival, for a package centered around an injured 5-foot-9 man. Koby then spent a top-10 pick on Collin Sexton, who - although extremely likable - was clearly not a long-term lead guard.

Mr. Altman has since embarked on an absolute heater. He chose Darius Garland over Jarrett Culver in 2019. Then he snuck into the Rockets-Nets James Harden trade, and stole Jarrett Allen for free. Koby grabbed Evan Mobley six months later, before ultimately pushing the chips in for Donovan Mitchell. That’s four straight home runs; the dude legitimately built the best squad in the East from scratch.

He pulled off another one yesterday. De’Andre Hunter is headed to Cleveland to continue his Sixth Man of the Year campaign, and… wait. What’s this? The Cavaliers gave up… nothing?

Ok, I suppose it’s an exaggeration to say it’s nothing. I’m not exactly shedding tears over LeVert’s departure, though. He’s unbelievably inconsistent, and shot 6-33 from distance in the 2024 playoffs. Niang will hit a couple threes, but you’re not winning anything if he’s a serious member of the rotation.

Altman made this trade with one team on his mind. Boston. When it’s Game 6 in TD Garden, who do you trust to close? Cleveland’s fifth guy just walked through the door.

Winner No. 4: Jimmy Butler

Don’t ever say that Butler is all about championships. Give me a break. If he actually wanted a title, why did he tell everyone that he didn’t want to play for Memphis? The No. 2 seed in the West, who desperately needs a veteran small forward to round out the roster? That’s the place you’re trying to avoid? You don’t want a ring. You want to play in a lot of national TV contests, and hang out with stars that are your age.

Congrats, Jimmy. You got your wish. Have fun getting bounced in Round 1.

Winner No. 5: The Oklahoma City Thunder

No, OKC didn’t make the list because I thought the Daniel Theis add-and-waive was a thing of beauty. This inclusion is more about the fact that no new, overwhelmingly terrifying machine was built at the deadline. Kevin Durant didn’t wind up in Dallas. Giannis Antetokounmpo isn’t a Warrior. On paper, the West still only has one juggernaut.

There should be nothing in the conference that scares the Thunder. Nothing. The team that sent them home in May just shipped off the face of its franchise. I believe in the Lakers, but the Max Christie and Dalton Knecht losses are real; Mark Daigneault is licking his lips at the sight of their lack of shooters and perimeter defenders. Houston is inexperienced and sliding as we speak. The Grizzlies don’t have a single stopper to throw at Shai Gilgeous-Alexander. Denver literally can’t function when Nikola Jokic sits.

Chet Holmgren is back, and the path remains clear for Oklahoma City. No excuses.

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“This Will Be (An Everlasting Love)” by Natalie Cole. Enjoy.