Welcome to Glass Slipper! I need a handwritten explanation from the committee on why Washington State is ranked ahead of Army; please enjoy the show.

- Jacob Rhee

Here are my 10 biggest takeaways through two weeks of the NBA season.

1. The Bucks might be broken.

Consider me alarmed. Don’t even think about pinning this humiliating start on Khris Middleton’s injury. I like Khris, but he’s made the All-Star team once in the last four seasons; Giannis and Dame don’t get to use his absence as an excuse.

Outside of that 2020 Nuggets-Clippers Game 7 where he inexplicably kept doubling Nikola Jokic, I have defended Doc Rivers from the trolls at every turn. But this is so bad. He’s now 18-25(!!) with Milwaukee. Meanwhile…

2. Cleveland hasn’t lost.

Someone better calm me down before I start irrationally dreaming about the Finals. Darius Garland has 52-47-100 shooting splits right now. Evan Mobley and Jarrett Allen are swatting 3.3 shots a night. The notoriously-inefficient Caris LeVert is splashing everything. I know deep inside that the Cavs are still a quality wing short of the NBA’s top tier, but I’m cautiously excited nonetheless.

3. Derrick White is a dream.

The Celtics have appeared in the Eastern Conference Finals six times in the last eight years. The single most impressive organizational decision they’ve made during this run was the Derrick White trade. Brad Stevens shipped two first-round picks to San Antonio in that deal, and subsequently got ripped by his own fan base. Derrick has since developed into the best role player on the planet. Watching his defensive instincts makes me - and every other true basketball nerd - legitimately giddy.

Those that were angry with Grant Hill can be mad at me, too. Because if I was in charge of building Team USA, I would’ve taken White over Jaylen Brown before you even finished the question.

4. Miami mediocrity.

It seems strange that the Heat are so average, but… should it? In my opinion, this roster has zero top-20 players.

It’s two solid stars, a third guy that can really score, and supporting pieces. That’s not enough in this league; Miami is essentially just an aging version of Sacramento.

5. Utah wants Coop.

Cooper Flagg, Lauri Markkanen, Walker Kessler, Kyle Filipowski, and Drew Eubanks all on the same squad? That would be objectively hilarious.

6. Let’s get moving, Scoot.

We’re one bad month away from me being officially worried about Scoot Henderson. I’ll give him some leeway with the offensive struggles; he’s 20 years old, after all. But the effort on defense is borderline unacceptable. Come on, kid. Don’t embarrass me.

7. Disappointing Wemby.

Victor Wembanyama has now shot below 50% from the floor in six consecutive games, because he’s become enamored with settling for jumpers.

I think someone in San Antonio’s building needs to get on their tippy toes and whisper a little reminder in Vic’s ear. Hey, man. You’re 7-foot-3. Let’s get a few steps closer to the rim.

8. A starting five of dudes that have made a leap.

Scotty Pippen Jr., Grizzlies

LaMelo Ball, Hornets

Gradey Dick, Raptors

Paolo Banchero, Magic

Ivica Zubac, Clippers

9. A starting five of dudes that have taken a step back.

Tyrese Haliburton, Pacers

Kentavious Caldwell-Pope, Magic

Jimmy Butler, Heat

Jerami Grant, Trail Blazers

Brook Lopez, Bucks

10. Free Joel Embiid.

This is a controversial opinion, and that’s okay. Joel Embiid should not have been suspended for shoving that columnist. That’s ridiculous.

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“Game Winner” by Vulfpeck. Incredible.