Welcome to Glass Slipper! Ashton Jeanty, you are a Cincinnati Bengal; please enjoy the show.

- Jacob Rhee

I know we have a few Chargers fans in the audience. If you feel the need to plug those ears, I won’t hold it against you. I’m not just writing this because your new head coach is my mortal enemy. I’m not just writing this because I think it’s kind of funny that your greedy owner moved the franchise to a city that San Diego sports fans detest. I’m not even just writing this because I’m tired of seeing folks rank Justin Herbert ahead of my king Joe Burrow.

Los Angeles is not a good team. One of the most important elements of a winning NFL franchise is the relationship between its head coach and quarterback. The two guys not only have to be the right match schematically, but they also have to mesh as human beings.

If you want proof, look around. Things got weird between Jalen Hurts and Nick Sirianni last year, and it resulted in the defending NFC champion Eagles literally not trying in a playoff game. The relationship between Tua Tagovailoa and Brian Flores was clearly toxic, and the pair never made the playoffs together. Meanwhile, Russell Wilson and Pete Carroll thrived in Seattle because they share a relentlessly positive attitude. Patrick Mahomes and Andy Reid bond over their innovation and creativity. Matthew Stafford and Sean McVay work because both are intense competitors.

Justin Herbert and Jim Harbaugh are just really strange together. Herbert has earned a reputation as one of the quietest and most humble stars in sports; the man does everything possible to avoid a camera. Meanwhile, Harbaugh will give you an entire podcast if you ask him the right question at a press conference. He’s bringing up random childhood anecdotes, cracking bizarre jokes that only make himself laugh, and generally behaving as though he’s the smartest person in the room. I’m sure the two are getting along fine at the moment, but there’s just no way Herbert won’t grow tired of the shtick. The young quarterback is probably already letting out deep exhales when he gets in his car to drive home from the facility each day.

We haven’t even talked about the fact that Harbaugh always build his squads around elite offensive line play, and that is not currently a reality in LA. The three interior starters for the Chargers up front are all mediocre, and a rookie is going to be beside them at right tackle. The receiving core is even worse. Josh Palmer is the first option, a guy that has been added and dropped several times by every fantasy football manager. Quentin Johnston - one of the worst rookie first-round wideouts I’ve ever laid my eyes upon - is supposedly the No. 2 guy. I legitimately had to Google who the team’s tight end is; for any LA fans that have made it this far, I’ll do you a favor and refrain from telling you what I found. I don’t want to bum you out too much.

But maybe the defense will save the day! The Chargers have finished outside the top 20 in points allowed per game for four consecutive seasons, but perhaps this is the year! Joey Bosa, Khalil Mack, and Derwin James? The only thing they need is a great coordinator to put it all together! Let’s see who they hired. And… oh. It’s Jesse Minter. The dude who was a middling position coach for the Ravens, and then got caught in the middle of a cheating scandal at his most recent place of work. Are there really people out there that think this is going to be a success?

Even with an absolute cupcake schedule, this squad will be watching the postseason from home again. But, hey. At least you have an awesome kicker.

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“Hurts So Good” by John Mellencamp. Zero-time Oscar winner.