Welcome to Glass Slipper! I must admit that the Giants are a lot of fun; please enjoy the show.

- Jacob Rhee

Every Sunday morning, I will make five bold predictions regarding the upcoming NFL games. Each time I get one incorrect, $10 is added to the money pot. At the end of the 18-week regular season, that pool of cash will be spent on gifts for random Glass Slipper subscribers. I hope you have a lot of fun rooting against me! Let’s go.

Prediction 1: The Browns and Steelers combine to attempt 6+ field goals.

I’ve watched enough gross AFC North games in my lifetime to know what’s coming here. Inside runs, grass chunks lodged in helmets, and a whole lot of action on special teams. Only the truest of football purists will have the heart to sit down and watch this thing from start to finish.

Prediction 2: Tetairoa McMillan scores his first NFL touchdown.

Tet McMillan is 6-foot-5, and can jump out of the stadium. Which one of us is going to notify Dave Canales? He’s clearly unaware.

Do you know how many times the Panthers have snapped the ball from inside the opposing 10-yard line, and targeted their prized rookie? Let me check on that really quick. And… yeah. Once. Five(!!) Carolina players are above McMillan on the list. That’s pretty dumb, if you ask me. Fix it, Dave.

Prediction 3: Mac Jones commits multiple turnovers against Tampa Bay.

I will not be fooled by Michael McCorkle Jones. There are real humans out there that want him to permanently replace Brock Purdy, who was a play away from a ring two seasons ago. It’s honestly disappointing to witness so many folks get suckered in.

Mac snuck out a victory over the putrid Saints, scored 16 points against Arizona, then barely topped a sleepwalking Rams crew. I can’t say I’ve been particularly impressed with his individual efforts whatsoever. He’ll fall behind in this one, and finally be forced to start pushing the ball downfield; that sounds like a recipe for picks and fumbles to me.

Prediction 4: Jared Goff completes less than 70 percent of his pass attempts on Sunday Night Football.

It’s amazing that this can earnestly be classified as a bold call. Goff has reached the 70 percent threshold in 19 of his last 26 regular-season games, and appears to have gotten even sharper after the departure of Ben Johnson. If you don’t have Jared as one of the eight best quarterbacks on Earth, it’s probably time to rethink that evaluation process.

The Chiefs are desperate, however. They’ve got a losing record through five, with an extremely tough stretch commencing at the end of the month. Steve Spagnuolo will throw the kitchen sink tonight, and successfully keep this Detroit air attack in check.

Prediction 5: The Bills and Falcons combine for 52+ points.

Perhaps the sight of Josh Allen and Michael Penix sharing the same field will help remind folks not to give up on Atlanta’s signal-caller so early. Allen had a touchdown-to-interception ratio of 0.56 through the first nine contests of his career. For reference, that number is significantly worse than Jamarcus Russell’s career mark. I’m not saying that Penix has an MVP in his future, but let’s give the dude a little bit of time to develop. He deserves the same grace that you extended to Josh back in the day.

I think these offenses trade punches all evening. The Bills are undoubtedly frustrated after stumbling at home to an average Patriots squad. Meanwhile, that superhero wearing No. 7 in black and red will be sitting on fifteen days of rest. I think we’re all set up for a fireworks show.

• Week 5 Results: 2-3

• Overall Season Picks Record: 9-16

• Current NFL Prize Pot: $160

Pressroom

Spin It

“Sugar Me Up” by Allie Dunn. Enjoy.