Welcome to Glass Slipper! Team USA gave up 100 points to South Sudan in an exhibition game. We might need the real Avengers to step in; please enjoy the show.

- Jacob Rhee

On April 11, 2003, Pat Riley - who at that time was the president and head coach of the Heat - did one of the weirdest things in sports history. He sent Michael Jordan’s number towards the rafters in Miami’s home arena. Yes, that’s right. Riley retired the jersey of a man who was still actively playing in the NBA, had obliterated the Heat in multiple postseason series, and held absolutely zero connection to the city of Miami. He just did it because Jordan was really good.

That day ruined number retirements in the NBA forever. Franchises started passing them out as if they were prime Rajon Rondo, one assist shy of a triple-double. Oklahoma City orchestrated a ceremony for Nick Collison, who scored fewer career points than 22-year-old Anthony Edwards has already. Riley himself then compounded his MJ error by giving the same honor to Udonis Haslem, a man whose greatest individual accomplishment in the league was finishing 18th in Defensive Player of the Year voting one time. At least he was actually employed by the Heat, I guess.

If we fast-forward to the present, Riley keeps desperately trying to make “Heat Culture” a thing. He plastered the words onto both the court in Miami, and also some embarrassing-looking uniforms that the players were forced to wear. The mantra was created because the team supposedly prides itself on being nasty, physical, and relentless. The Heat only care about winning the NBA title each year, which somehow differentiates them from every other organization in the league. Individuals affiliated with the franchise thus stride around with an unmistakable haughtiness, and pretend as though other teams are beneath them.

Maybe I’m missing something, but I just don’t understand the basis for the arrogance. What happened in Game 6 of the 2020 Finals, when the Heat seemed completely disinterested in keeping the season alive and went to the half down 28? What about the next year, when they got swept in Round 1 and clearly gave up in front of their own fans? Even in 2023, Miami looked all too willing to punt away a 3-0 lead to Boston until Jayson Tatum got hurt in Game 7. Do these sound like moments defined by that trademark toughness and grit? Let’s zoom out for a second; this organization has played a total of 21 seasons in its history without Dwyane Wade on the roster. 0 titles. Was the winning ever about the culture, or did an all-time great shooting guard just happen to fall into your lap?

As harsh as that rant may have sounded, I’m not here to pick on the Heat. They actually have quite a likable group. Yes, it’s bogus that a franchise solely focused on championships plays its home games beneath the jersey of a guy who prevented the team from winning them. But it’s okay. We understand that no organization gets everything right, and no culture in sports is without its imperfections. Let’s all just hope that Miami comes to this realization, too.

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“Emotions” by Mariah Carey. One of the three best singing voices of all time. Enjoy.