Welcome to Glass Slipper! Joe Burrow plays football today; please enjoy the show.

- Jacob Rhee

We’re back. Every Sunday, I will make five bold predictions regarding the upcoming NFL games. Each time I get one incorrect, $10 is added to the money pot. At the end of the 18-week regular season, that pool of cash will be spent on gifts for random Glass Slipper subscribers. I hope you have a lot of fun rooting against me! Let’s go.

Prediction 1: Kyler Murray finishes with 300+ total yards against New Orleans.

Murray’s 2021 campaign was a message to the NFL that a superstar leap was imminent. He finished ahead of Patrick Mahomes in passer rating, made his second consecutive Pro Bowl, and led Arizona to its first playoff appearance in six years. Rising into the S-tier felt like the obvious next step of his development.

Things have gone awry since. 14 missed games? A touchdown-to-interception ratio under 2? Losses in 22 of his 36 starts? Turnover throughout the front office and coaching staff hasn’t helped, but Kyler simply hasn’t been good enough.

Let’s get him off on the right foot here. The Saints’ front seven is too old to keep up; I think my Korean king enjoys a big afternoon.

Prediction 2: Cam Ward does not commit a turnover in his professional debut.

Careful, young man. This isn’t the ACC. Nik Bonitto and Pat Surtain are out there.

Protecting the football needs to be the top priority for Cam. None of those let’s-just-see-what-happens throws. Though the Titans won’t win this thing, they’ll walk out of Mile High feeling good about their guy.

Prediction 3: San Francisco beats Seattle by 7+ points.

One reason why Niners folks adore Brock Purdy? That guy takes care of business against the Seahawks. He’s 5-1 with 14 total touchdowns in this rivalry, including a brilliant performance in the 2022 postseason.

I still love San Francisco’s defensive personnel, and having Robert Saleh back on the headset should be a real boost. I’m sensing a shaky outing from Sam Darnold.

Prediction 4: 60+ rushing yards and at least one rushing touchdown for Nick Chubb.

It’s been 1,016 days since Chubb accomplished this in a single contest. He was building a Hall of Fame case once upon a time, and some brutal injuries have unfortunately derailed those plans.

By the way, did you know that Nick is still in his twenties? That feels impossible. He’s the same age as Christian McCaffrey, who probably went top-10 in your fantasy draft. He’s two years younger than Derrick Henry, who remains the best back in the conference. It’s why I totally supported Houston’s decision to take a flier on him. Like, why not? Maybe there’s still some juice left.

It would be awesome to see Chubb look like his prime self in this one. He’s beaten up my Bengals on plenty of occasions, but I’m absolutely pulling for him.

Prediction 5: Chicago defeats Minnesota on Monday Night Football.

This isn’t a bold pick! Stop cutting corners! While it is true that the Bears are technically only very slight underdogs, we watched Caleb Williams operate in primetime last year. An 0-3 record, with one touchdown pass and four turnovers. It somehow felt even worse in the moment than those numbers reflect.

I think Chicago is going to be a party tomorrow evening, however. First impressions are important, and Ben Johnson has had almost eight months to figure out how best to present himself to this fan base. I’d expect around one trick play per quarter; the Bears click on all three phases, and send JJ McCarthy back to Minneapolis with a loss.

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“Up At Night” by Will Linley. I didn’t know who this dude was 12 hours ago.