Welcome to Glass Slipper! I hope Elly De La Cruz knows how much I adore him; please enjoy the show.

- Jacob Rhee

I recently unveiled the 13 college football teams that have a chance of winning the national title. It’s time we break down each of those squads. The Texas Longhorns come in at No.1.

Offense

The definitive Heisman Trophy favorite is a quarterback. Against ranked opponents, he has more lost fumbles than touchdowns passes. Do you understand how wild it is that both of those statements are true?

Arch Manning beat UL Monroe and Mississippi State in 2024, who finished a combined 7-17. Neither program had a player selected in April. Turn on the Isidore Newman tape, and you’ll need to suppress giggles at times watching the competition level in Louisiana Class 2A. Outside of some relief duty, the 21-year-old signal-caller has not faced an earnestly talented football team since at least middle school. There’s just never been a more thunderous hype train for a college athlete this unproven.

By the way, I think Arch is going to be a star; the mechanics are pretty, he’s legitimately faster than some running backs, and the kid operates with an innate fearlessness that I always felt like Quinn Ewers lacked. His on-field instincts are noticeably sharp, and he handles the media extremely well. These expectations have ascended to a place of utter irrationality, though. Manning could opt out of the campaign tomorrow, declare for the draft, and be a top-10 pick on the strength of his recruiting status and last name alone. I don’t know about you, but I’m not ready to co-sign all of that yet. We should at least let him earn it.

I’ll choose Ryan Wingo over any other wideout in the conference. There, I said it. Not many teenagers make this sport look that easy. DeAndre Moore is impressive in the slot, and I’d keep a close eye on who’s there at Z. While Emmett Mosley probably gets the nod in Week 1, I won’t be stunned if it’s Kaliq Lockett’s show by November. Only six Power Four tight ends finished with more receiving yards than Cal transfer Jack Endries last fall; our protagonist Arch has more than enough weapons to utilize.

You can blame Steve Sarkisian’s scaredy-cat playcalling for the Cotton Bowl loss. You can blame Pete Kwiatkowski for being woefully unprepared on TreVeyon Henderson’s house call. You can blame Connor Williams for getting dusted by Jack Sawyer on the scoop-and-score. To me, the Longhorns fell short because they couldn’t establish any semblance of a respectable ground game. At that point, we have the 231st pick trying to hero-ball his way through a special defense. Better luck next year, boys.

The return of CJ Baxter changes everything. He’s a beloved leader, and was the No. 1 running back in the 2023 cycle for a reason. Quintrevion Wisner’s reign of terror was fun, but that man went radio silent for the vast majority of the postseason. 19 carries for 51 yards in the SEC championship game? 18 for 45 in the Peach Bowl? 17 for 46 in the aforementioned semifinal? Yikes. He makes much more sense in a change-of-pace Robin role, with CJ taking the bulk of the snaps.

Those guys will work behind a new-look offensive line. Despite the inexperience, I’m actually not too worried about this crew; three of the new starters are former four-stars, and the other is a senior with 38 appearances under his belt. Things will be fine up front.

Defense

I count four full-fledged superstars on this unit, which is one more than any other program has. Colin Simmons could walk into an NFL training camp right now and wreak havoc. Although his 23-sack goal might be a touch ambitious, it’s impossible to fault his confidence after what he did as a true freshman.

I believe Anthony Hill Jr. is going to New York for the Heisman ceremony, and no amount of laughing emojis in my DMs can force me to back down from that take. He’s a top-three player in the nation, and the best collegiate inside linebacker I’ve personally witnessed since… Roquan Smith? Luke Kuechly? Converted edge Trey Moore closed his first year in Austin on a heater; he’ll sink back to Will and create an intriguing three-way timeshare with Liona Lefau and Brad Spence. My darling Mr. Hill should have a rock-solid partner on every snap.

Replacing a Thorpe Award recipient is no simple task, but the secondary remains in great shape. Malik Muhammad has battled his way into first-round conversations, and I think he’ll relish being in the spotlight this fall. Meanwhile, every member of Buckeye Nation knows that shifting from the nickel to an outside spot can lead to trouble. We all watched 2020 Shaun Wade. Jahdae Barron made it look awfully easy, and now it’s Jaylon Guilbeau’s turn to try and make a seamless transition. Don’t be surprised if Ryan Day attempts to pick on him in the Shoe a little bit.

The Michael Taaffe story gets more unbelievable every year. A zero-star walk-on out of high school. Redshirted in 2021. A single start in 2022. Honorable mention all-conference in 2023. Second-team All-American in 2024. What’s coming next? Texas fans should be excited to see him next to Derek Williams again, who flashed in that Michigan victory before his season-ending surgery.

This is a brilliant defense; Texas only allowed 15.3 points per game a year ago, and that number may very well shrink.

Season Outlook

Pre-Bowl Record Prediction: 12-1

Selection Sunday Fan Mood: Yeah, we’ve got a quarterback this time. You’re all in danger. See you soon.

Pressroom

Spin It

“Whatever” by Oasis. Let’s finish this week strong.