Welcome to Glass Slipper! Florida State. I’m not mad, I’m just disappointed; please enjoy the show.

- Jacob Rhee

AFC North

1. Ravens (12-5)

2. Bengals (11-6)

3. Steelers (9-8)

4. Browns (9-8)

I think the Ravens are a touch better than the Bengals on both sides of the ball. Regardless of the order, these are clearly the two best teams in the division. Meanwhile, I’ve all but given up on the idea of Pittsburgh ever finishing below .500 under Mike Tomlin. I will never, ever understand why half of Steelers Nation whines about that man. He brought you a Super Bowl, and won games with both a washed Ben Roethlisberger and an incapable Kenny Pickett. Stop complaining; you have no idea how good you have it.

I’ll get some flack from Cleveland fans, but that’s okay. The Browns have literally never won the AFC North, and their quarterback is one of the worst humans to ever touch a football. My apologies for not believing in you.

AFC South

1. Texans (12-5)

2. Jaguars (8-9)

3. Colts (7-10)

4. Titans (4-13)

Houston has a top-10 quarterback and a top-five head coach. Stefon Diggs is going to take the offense up a level, and Danielle Hunter - who is legitimately one of the most underrated players of this generation - will do the same for the defense.

Jacksonville’s decline into irrelevancy continues with another losing season. Hey, here’s a quick mystery table for you. On the right is Trevor Lawrence’s career stats, lined up across from the numbers of a contemporary. Who is Player B?

Pretty close, right? Well, this is humiliating for Mr. Golden Boy. Player B is Jacoby Brissett, who will holding a clipboard for Drake Maye as soon as the rookie is ready. Trevor, on the other hand, just got handed $275 million. It’s amazing how far that No. 1 overall pick label can get you.

The rebuild continues for the Colts and the Titans, though both Anthony Richardson and Will Levis will perform well enough to receive another year as the guy.

AFC East

1. Dolphins (11-6)

2. Jets (9-8)

3. Bills (9-8)

4. Patriots (5-12)

I have the Dolphins running away here, but the football world won’t be impressed with a division title. Until Mike McDaniel’s guys win a playoff game, they’ll be seen as nothing more than a gimmick.

Alright, let’s talk about the Jets. I don’t think Robert Saleh is good at his job. I’m sorry. People love to give him a pass because he’s had Zach Wilson as his quarterback this whole time. That seems like a worthwhile argument on the surface; it is indeed impossible to win with a disaster leading the huddle. But are people forgetting? Saleh was hired by New York in January of 2021, and Wilson was drafted that April. You really don’t think that the new head coach in town had any say in the selection? This dude made his own bed, and he had to lie in it. If he really wanted a different player on that fateful draft night, he would’ve pounded the table for them. What would New York’s ownership have done about it? Fired him before his debut?

I have a hard time believing that an Aaron Rodgers squad with an elite defense will have a losing record. But that’s going to be a really strange locker room, and it’ll result in an up-and-down campaign.

My unconditional love for Curtis Samuel has lasted for an entire decade at this point, and I’m going to be bursting with pride when he racks up 1,000 yards for Buffalo this year. Look at the date on this tweet.

But the defensive injuries and overhaul scare me, and I think the Bills take a big step back before waving goodbye to Sean McDermott.

I’m pulling for Drake Maye, but he’s in for a rough rookie year. He’ll finish with more turnovers than passing touchdowns.

AFC West

1. Chiefs (12-5)

2. Chargers (8-9)

3. Broncos (6-11)

4. Raiders (5-12)

Boring. Kansas City could very well have this thing locked up after Week 14. You guys already know I’m not a Jim Harbaugh fan, and I think Bo Nix - despite that electric preseason - will experience a lot of growing pains in Denver.

As for Las Vegas, Gardner Minshew is such an odd player. He has the career numbers of a solid starter, but every single football fan knows he’s not very good. I foresee several frustrated helmet spikes from Davante Adams.

Playoff Seeding:

1. Ravens

2. Chiefs

3. Texans

4. Dolphins

5. Bengals

6. Jets

7. Steelers

Wild Card Round

#2 Chiefs OVER #7 Steelers

#3 Texans OVER #6 Jets

#5 Bengals OVER #4 Dolphins

Divisional Round

#1 Ravens OVER #5 Bengals

#3 Texans OVER #2 Chiefs

AFC Championship Game

#3 Texans OVER #1 Ravens

Joe Burrow got to the Super Bowl in Year 2. Mike Tomlin won his ring in Year 2. Don’t tell me CJ Stroud and DeMeco Ryans are too young and inexperienced to take this conference right now.

Pressroom

Spin It

“Animal” by Neon Trees. The radio overplayed this song, and it still never got old.